safe

Six years ago I wrote about fear. You can read it here: Fear

More than fear, I think it was about personal safety.  Was putting my suburban self in a rougher urban context, and people wondering if it was safe.  I was a 28-year-old version of myself, living in a house with some other single girls, trying to love Jesus and my neighbors. 28 year-old me had a love of the idea that following Jesus wouldn't always be safe, but it would be good.

Somewhere in the past 6 years, I bought this print from an artist on Etsy.  (You too can buy it here: Lion Art, CS Lewis).

It says:  "Is he safe?" "Safe, 'course he isn't safe, but he's good.  He's the king, I tell you."

In the past few months, I have realized that so much of me loves safety.  I don't necessarily crave physical safety.  I've lived in rough areas, taught in areas that were even rougher. Talked with my mom about what I wanted a funeral to look like if for some reason I was a victim of a random act of violence. I could get over fear for my physical safety really easily. 

I crave the feeling of safety I get from being in control or at least the perceived safety. 

If you know the Enneagram at all, I am a 1.  Ones are perfectionists.  Ones don't like failure, and this 1 won't take a risk if there is a chance of failure. Ones don't like mistakes, and failure is a mistake.  This past year has felt like it has been filled with failures.  Things that I thought I would be successful in, that didn't work out how I had planned.  Lots and lots of failure.  Many incidents where I have shown my imperfection and had to come to terms with the reality that I can not control all things, and I can't be the best at everything.

As a result, I've become risk-shy.  Almost paralyzingly so.  Not putting myself in any situations where there might be even a chance of failure.  With my job, with my family, in my personal life.  And honestly, it's left me feeling like I am going through life half asleep.  Kind of numb to the highs and the lows that come with being human. I've developed habits of reading or living in my head in a way that has left me disconnected from who I am and what I know to be true about myself. 

In the past week or so, I have realized that I can't keep living life this way.  A quiet life, where everyone is happy, and I can't fail might be good for a while.  But, there are only so many books I can read to distract myself from my disobedience.  My flat out ignoring who the Lord has made me to be.  

I was reminded of Isaiah 41:10: 

"Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand."

I was reminded that it is OK for me to take risks, and if I fail, when I fail, cause no one is perfect, the Lord has it.  That even though the failure hurts, if I am completely honest, wounds my pride.  (Any other 1s struggle with pride too?) That the Lord will hold me up, because the reality is, in my failure, He is still God.