safe

Six years ago I wrote about fear. You can read it here: Fear

More than fear, I think it was about personal safety.  Was putting my suburban self in a rougher urban context, and people wondering if it was safe.  I was a 28-year-old version of myself, living in a house with some other single girls, trying to love Jesus and my neighbors. 28 year-old me had a love of the idea that following Jesus wouldn't always be safe, but it would be good.

Somewhere in the past 6 years, I bought this print from an artist on Etsy.  (You too can buy it here: Lion Art, CS Lewis).

It says:  "Is he safe?" "Safe, 'course he isn't safe, but he's good.  He's the king, I tell you."

In the past few months, I have realized that so much of me loves safety.  I don't necessarily crave physical safety.  I've lived in rough areas, taught in areas that were even rougher. Talked with my mom about what I wanted a funeral to look like if for some reason I was a victim of a random act of violence. I could get over fear for my physical safety really easily. 

I crave the feeling of safety I get from being in control or at least the perceived safety. 

If you know the Enneagram at all, I am a 1.  Ones are perfectionists.  Ones don't like failure, and this 1 won't take a risk if there is a chance of failure. Ones don't like mistakes, and failure is a mistake.  This past year has felt like it has been filled with failures.  Things that I thought I would be successful in, that didn't work out how I had planned.  Lots and lots of failure.  Many incidents where I have shown my imperfection and had to come to terms with the reality that I can not control all things, and I can't be the best at everything.

As a result, I've become risk-shy.  Almost paralyzingly so.  Not putting myself in any situations where there might be even a chance of failure.  With my job, with my family, in my personal life.  And honestly, it's left me feeling like I am going through life half asleep.  Kind of numb to the highs and the lows that come with being human. I've developed habits of reading or living in my head in a way that has left me disconnected from who I am and what I know to be true about myself. 

In the past week or so, I have realized that I can't keep living life this way.  A quiet life, where everyone is happy, and I can't fail might be good for a while.  But, there are only so many books I can read to distract myself from my disobedience.  My flat out ignoring who the Lord has made me to be.  

I was reminded of Isaiah 41:10: 

"Don’t be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you. I will hold you up with my victorious right hand."

I was reminded that it is OK for me to take risks, and if I fail, when I fail, cause no one is perfect, the Lord has it.  That even though the failure hurts, if I am completely honest, wounds my pride.  (Any other 1s struggle with pride too?) That the Lord will hold me up, because the reality is, in my failure, He is still God.

Singleness and I, we have a love/hate relationships. 

There are days that I am so grateful to have the freedom of being single, the ability to love, serve and invest where I want to.  To be able to move in with my parents and help out for a season (more on that another time), to be able to drop everything and go help with dinner and bedtime at a friends house when she and her husband just took in a set of foster siblings who put the total number of kids in their house up to 8(?!?).  I love having the freedom to go where I want, spend my money how I want.  If it seems like a good idea to stay in bed and read my Saturday mornings away, I can. 

But there are times where I don't love singleness.  Holidays are by far the worst, everyone having family engagements, and the millions of pictures of cute kiddos and matching PJs on Instagram.  Sometimes wish I had someone who was on my team (I have a great team, like amazing,  but you know what I mean).  Someone to be my person in that way.   Someone to split bills with, and share vacations with.  Someone to take away some of the fear of what the future will look like, cause facing it by yourself can be scary. Someone to share frustrations with at 10:00 at night, when it's not exactly appropriate to be calling my married friends on the phone.

I know that no marriage is perfect, and I have had a front row seat to see how messy some of them can truly be.  I have seen the work and time required. But, in our culture, especially the Church in America, we make marriage out to be a cure of some sorts, and that life doesn't fully start until marriage.  That you aren't a "full adult" until you are married. 

Because of that I love, love, love this talk given by Annie Downs.

So much of it resonates with me: 

What if I was giving up the dream, for a dream? 

This fear resonates with me the most.  How many times have I subconsciously (or consciously) thought about the choices I was making through the lens of could this choice be limiting my chances of getting married?  As a female who leads, this is one of my biggest fear.  At times, I've made my self "smaller" with the hopes to not seem as intimidating as I've been told I can be. I've taken jobs with the hope of seeming like an apealing wife figure, trying hard to be what I think I want the person I want to be with would be looking for.  Only realizing later, that if someone couldn't deal with all of me, my leadership giftings, my penchants for helping people, and having crazy ideas that I like to turn in to reality, then they probably wouldn't be a good person for me anyway.  

Do you want permission to grieve a dream never realized?
Yes.  I had never thought of this in this way, the idea of grieving a dream.   As many of my friends approach 10 years of marriage, and have kids in grade school, I realize that I may never be in the same life phase as them.  My nephews are all in elementary school, if ever had kids they would be significantly younger than their cousins. Christmases at my parents may never look like I thought they would.  I will never be a young wife or young mom.  I'm learning to be ok with this, and recognize that it is OK to be sad about what will never be, even if how the Lord has used my life has been in meaningful service. 

But I need to be reminded of these truths: 

I don't want to live in a passive state of waiting, I want to live in a chronic state of this is the good life. This is the good life, the Word has said over and over that God has given you everything you need......When I put all of my focus and my hope on the things that I want instead of what I already have, and what I can go after. 
I think when I left Mission Adelante, I was putting myself into a season of waiting, what I thought would be an easier version of life. I said no to lots of things, I made choices that I thought were safe.  So much of it blew up in my face. The job that was supposed to be a break, was horrible.  I missed leading and coming up with new things.  I was a frustrated apostle with no outlet.  I missed my friends, my kids and developed all sorts of weird health issues. I cried, a lot. I thought this was how life was supposed to look.  In reality, I wasn't being who I was supposed to be, I trying to live life in a way where I had less risks.  Waiting for things that I thought I wanted to happen. 


So this question is the question I am sitting in.  As I dig out of the mess that has been the last year of my life.  The disorganization, the family drama, the health problems, the multiple jobs, the moving back home after only being gone for 3 months...

How do you craft a life that brings God glory, and brings you joy even if he never answers your greatest prayers? 

For me right now that means taking risks.  Being bold in ways that I haven't been in a while.  Getting out of my own head, and sharing my stuff with people I have been hiding from.  Moving past fear.  Listening for and responding to the still small voice that I have been hearing.  Even if it is scary, risky even.  Even if in my head it may put me further and further from being "marriable."  I never want to look back on a season of my life again and say, wow, I was really busy waiting.  Cause waiting isn't much fun.  I want to look back and say I was learning, growing, exploring and pressing more and more into who the Lord has made me to be.